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The last week and a half have been really hard for me. The heat in the central valley has been high 90s, low 100s and even into the 1teens. Over 1.25 million acres of California have been on fire, and all that smoke pushes right into the valley and sits there. (NOT complaining about smoke, I know some have far worse and my heart is breaking for Californians right now). With the heat and the air quality, my 19 month old has been cooped up in our living room, watching Disney+ pretty much all the time. I hate how much TV she has been watching lately, but with breastfeeding the twins (who are now 4 and a half months old) and distance learning my 9 year old, I don’t have a whole lot of options. She cries when I won’t let her out into the kiddie pool and it breaks my heart. Distance learning has been it’s own form of weirdness, but my son is actually doing well, or he’s just hiding how hard it is from me. I can’t dive down that rabbit hole or surfacing will be hard. Did I mention that I’m breastfeeding TWO newborns? My brain is constantly racing with thoughts and ideas for the fall and winter photoshoots and limited sessions, but I really can’t get into the office to work on things unless all the babies are sleeping. The twins are now teething, so they aren’t sleeping well. I feel like a rockstar when all babies sleep at once- and that doesn’t happen often. But the hardest thing for me this past week is that during the night, my usually great sleeping twins are waking up at 0330 to eat- and not going back to sleep until 0600. I can’t. I just can’t. Even in my firefighter/paramedic days, all the shifts without sleep, I was NEVER this exhausted. Motherhood is a beast.
Wow, re-reading all of that for spelling errors and I’m like whoa. That’s a lot, Kat. Maybe you should pull back some… but, I’m not complaining. And if you made it this far, it does get better! I say all this to share this: I posted in group for photographers. It’s my favorite group, my go-to resource for info, questions, and venting. Well, yesterday I was venting. I had a situation that got me kind of, well, butt-hurt. I shared the situation and asked if I was being too sensitive. After over 100 comments, yes, yes I was lol. Out of all the comments, one woman stood apart. She asked me how the weather was where I am, as that can sometimes put her on edge. She asked how I was. All the comments telling me I was wrong, she was the only one to ask if I’m OK. It hit me that no, right now I’m really not. We chatted back and forth for a bit, I calmed down, realized I was having a bad day and tried to make the most of it. Hours later, I saw that she had followed me on Facebook, and had used my profile picture and name to find me on Venmo. She sent me $10 and told me it was OK to have a bad day, from one toddler mom to another. Y’all, it hit me so hard in the feels. I started crying at the table- feeding the babies some rice cereal, toddler in her high chair eating dinner, my hubs and 9 year old looking at me like I’m crazy. A complete stranger asked me how I was and then saw through my ‘meh, it’s a lot, but I’m managing’ facade and tried to ease it as best she could from 3,000 miles away.
I’m sharing all of this because her comments really hit home with me. “Sometimes we just need to hear that it’s OK to have a crap day.” 2020 has been rough. It’s been brutal. So I think a lot of us really need to hear that message right now- it’s OK to have a crap day. You don’t have to be the best mom ever everyday. You don’t have to have the house spotless. It’s OK that there are dishes in the sink. It’s OK that the laundry in the washing machine probably needs to be washed again. And again. It’s OK. It’s going to BE OK. Treat yourself to something sweet. Take a few minutes behind your locked bathroom door to just have 5 minutes of peace and quiet to yourself. Step outside from the chaos and take 5 deep breaths and tell yourself, “it’s OK to have a crap day today.” and give yourself a lot of grace. You are doing awesome, you are awesome, and it will be OK.
(Amazing note from Megan and me with my treat today: A Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Coldbrew and a Snapchat filter with green eyes, and now flawless skin lol)
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